Sunday, October 28, 2007

I've decided that my life is a comedy...

and should be considered for a new sit com. I would say reality show but I want the choice of who will play my character. I'm going with someone much younger and thinner! Why do I feel like this? For starters DH (Rick) and I have been married for 9 years. In that 9 years various relatives have come to live with us. The visitors have stayed anywhere from 3 months to 2 years to the present live in who has been with us for hmmmm 4 years! DAM (dear Aunt Myrna) came to live with us because she fell and broke her hip. For most people that means a trip to the hospital and a hip replacement. Well, not for DAM! She stayed home, lived in pain, and paid nurses to be with her 24/7 for 3 months. After seeing how expensive that was she decided that it was time to come and live with us. I'm sure DH offered at some point but never in a million years did we think she would ever leave CA. This is where the sit com begins. We insisted DAM go to the doctor which she did. It went sort of like this...Dr. "you'll have to get your hip x-rayed." DAM "that's fine". X-ray tech "you're hip is broken, you'll need surgery." DAM "no, I will never have surgery." Dr. to us "if DAM doesn't get her hip fixed she probably won't live 6 months." Receptionist "that will be $100". DH "that was cheap". DAM "cheap hell, I could have told them my hip was broken!"

We took DAM home and told her that if she wasn't going to get her hip fixed she would have to find somewhere else to live. We were attempting to change her mind. There was no way I was going to have DAM live in my house for 6 months and die! DAM said fine, she just wanted us to help her find a place close to us. So, of course we caved. Well, so much for the Dr.'s prediction. DAM has been with us for 4 years and nearly every day there is some sort of crisis. To the average person these are very dull events but in DAM's world they are huge.

Let me introduce you to my cast of characters...

Meet Maverick. Maverick is my DD Cristine's dog. Why is he with us then? Oh, that's right, we run a boarding house! Mav is about 12 years old which is like 84 in dog years! Wow, he's older that DAM I think. He's slowing down and having hip problems too. Seems to be a trend in this house. I took him to the vet a few months ago and he is now on steroids. How is that comical you ask? His appetite is insatiable. He is on a never ending search for food. Be it from the trash (most recently a jar of peanut butter), the barbeque, or the greatest spoiler of dogs ever, DAM!






O.K. this next picture is pretty gross as DH blurted out, but this is a look into my EVERYDAY life. Almost everyday I make DAM breakfast. If I don't she would maintain a steady diet of butter and peanut butter on toast. God forbid she stand at the stove and cook. Never has, never will. The microwave is only used for heating coffee (long story), or heating the dinner that we have cooked the night before and put in her fridge. So, after I have made her breakfast and delivered it on a tray this is what happens...




I know, gross...but this is what really happens. Note the dogs are strategically positioned at DAM'S feet. I would have loved to get a straight on shot but DAM would never allow that! And yes, that's her tray, I believe it's Barney! A small portion of her breakfast is delivered to the dogs even after repeated begging for her not to do it. I don't think dogs like cantaloupe but tell that to a steriod driven dog. The other character to the left is Abi. My overweight Golden Retriever. I say mine, but she really belongs to DAM who again, spoils them rotten.

This is DAM's beloved scooter. Occasionally she takes short trips around the neighborhood, typically dressed like a bag lady, or she goes to Walgreens for some extravagant purchase.




This is just about the extent of my decorating for Halloween. I really need to get busy! To us this is just a cute scarecrow. To DAM this is the SCARY LADY! Now, how could that be a scary lady? Keep reading...




Meet my alarm clock. How could this be an alarm clock? DAM gets up anywhere between 3:30 a.m. and 5:00 a.m.





The first thing she does is heat up one of her "saved" cups of coffee from yesterday. See where I'm going with this. She heats the friggin coffee in the microwave...beep, beep, beep, beep. Remember we live in a small house that was built in 1915. While DAM isn't living in our living space her space is just off of the kitchen which is just around the corner from our room. I've contemplated ear plugs, trust me! So where am I going with this...



Let's recap...DAM gets up super early, heats coffee, wakes me up, gets on scooter (Walgreens opens at 6:00 a.m.) She navigates scooter past parked trucks. The driveway is narrow ...

Scarecrow used to be about where the flamingo is. It's dark and DAM trys to scoot between the truck and the wall. Scarecrow falls on DAM (who is easily startled) and she starts screaming bloody murder. Hence, Scary Lady! I start running to find out what happened and that's how my day started. Scary Lady has been repositioned but DAM will never leave the house again unless I reassure her that Scary Lady is not out there!

Is this sit com material? I think so. I have to laugh about it or bury my head in the sand! I think DAM will out live me!

2 comments:

Chia said...

You make me appreciate my life a bit more :) Love the nickname ;-)

JWood said...

All I can say is WOW! Kim, you seem so peaceful and calm, I had NO IDEA! Have a great week!